Feelings - Our Doorway to the Self

By Bunny Blair Rush, RMT

Over the past couple of years since Lionheart Institute came into existence, I find more and more that the students are my teachers. As I watch them expand and grow through their own self- exploration, I begin to realize how very important it is to not just develop an awareness of our defenses, but to embrace them fully – not such an easy task when we are all so caught up in our egos, our own masks. If we do something we think could be seen as inappropriate, we feel ashamed, we beat ourselves up, or better yet, we make believe we “didn’t respond that way” or “it’s so-and-so’s fault.” And yet, at one time in our lives – more than likely in early childhood – those defenses served a purpose and were born out of some wounding inflicted upon us, however well-meaning, by someone other than ourselves.

My cat has recently been teaching me the truth about defenses – and my cat is no dummy! We recently moved from the country into town and she has had to acclimate herself to new surroundings. In watching her, I notice she will find a place that is safe and stays there until she feels in control and can familiarize herself with all the elements around her. She started with my office; then she moved to a place in our bedroom until she felt she was in control around the dogs. Today she went outside for the first time and has spent the entire afternoon under the house. This behavior is clearly based on self-protection, perhaps fear, even anger – from past experience. She is acting on her own instincts – on how she feels. She knows what’s best for her and I honor that in her. So why, just because we humans have “intellects,” should we be any different?

I remember my own teacher telling me a story once that brought this truth home to me. Her sister, Kathy, had a dog that she had brought into her home as a stray. When she first encountered the dog, it was thin, mangy and quite fearful, only allowing itself to skirt the perimeter of the yard. Kathy began to put food out in the back edge of the yard so the dog could feel safe in eating it. Over time, she slowly moved the dish closer and closer to the house. It took a couple months, but the dog finally came onto the porch and eventually became a part of the family. One day Kathy brought out a broom to sweep the kitchen floor and the dog immediately cowered into the corner. It was obvious that this dog had been abused with a broom. Isn’t it interesting that most of us would never consider abusing a dog like that, but we do it to ourselves every day?

Last week I had the opportunity to take a hard look at a reaction I was having towards another person. When a colleague of mine asked if I was angry because of some remarks that person had made, I replied that I was surprised, even hurt, but not angry. It wasn’t until I was able to completely embrace my feelings that I realized that a small part of me, in fact, wanted “to take her out” – I mean gloves and all! What a surprise! Of course, it wasn’t motivating my behavior, but it was important for me to recognize that a part of me was actually feeling that way. I had to ask myself “why did I find it necessary to smother that anger?” When I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling completely and answered that question, I knew I had been doing that all my life – it was, as a child, my only protection.

We all came into this world with certain gifts meant to enhance and enrich us and those around us as we travel along our path. Our success in achieving that enrichment will likely be determined by how much we buy into our own egos and how much we are willing to embrace our true feelings. We try so hard to hide our feelings, to rationalize our behavior, to reason through our dilemmas. But the truth lies in our feelings – not in our intellect. We feel in our bodies, not in our minds. And when we can find that feeling and embrace it – we can then move to a deeper level of our true self, with compassion, humility and certainty.

------------------------

Original published in Enjoy Whole Health magazine.